Vision, AND a new laptop!

 My life is whole again!

glassesNew Goggles! My vision has depended on ‘readers’ and at a recent point in my life (last week) I realized that I was more than likely being defined by my looks, a caricature if you will of that woman who always has glasses on top of her head! And, her hair mussed up as a result. Whenever I went out and caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror or reflection I was horrified that I allowed myself to look like that. And after the 3rd time this week carrying driving directions to unknown places and not being able to read them… I said, “No more”!

photoNew Window to the world! Life without a real computer; a full on laptop and a life with 100+ pair of readers is not an effective or productive life. My old laptop was in computer ICU and finally became unusable; despite my efforts. My iPhone is wonderful and my iPad is wonderful because it is a bigger than my iPhone and easier to play Bejeweled Blitz and get a better score — that’s about the greater benefit of the iPad. And besides, sometimes we need the BIG picture and the tool to sit getting down and dirty with the work that needs a full on computer. I didn’t need anything showy, just something to use. Therefore this DELL, the only one of 5-computers on the shelf at Sears. Yes Sears I wanted to charge it – not pay for it! Sears had 5 Dell Laptops; 4-without touchscreen, 3-with touchscreen. Now Sears has 2-with touchscreen.

Touch screen = iPad on my Laptop. Very happy camper here.

What does all this above mean? It means that I can see and blog more! And job hunt.

Ya know…
I had this amazing thought; about food and life probably and I decided to “go write that down”… got my amazing new laptop and brought it downstairs to record all amazing “go write that down” thoughts, and forgot what it was.Well anyway… It will probably surface as I ramble along…

Anyway – The week in review…

calimariThursday night – I went to the first planning meeting with the other members of the charity we are building. Nice people, nice place in La Jolla for wine and appetizers. I had wine and calamari and parked Valet. Total ticket, $20. Nice!

Friday night – I was supposed to go to the movies with a friend but canceled telling her that I was just too far in the weeds with getting the home cleaned up – this includes all the boxes of letters and photos scattered in the front ‘foyer’. I was also tired and I know this tiredness comes from lack of exercise and excitement – the kind of energy that comes with exercise. (Boxes of letters are up to 100+years old from my mother’s family – more on this in another post)

Saturday night – I had family members over for dinner. I grilled Mahi Mahi, grilled corn and grilled asparagus. Ice cream with chocolate chip cookies crumbled on top. Chocolate chip cookies that I made — that I baked, that is!

Sunday… So far just chilling. It’s warm outside but I’m inside and still in my white spa robe (it’s a cold house I live in). Seriously, I look like a big polar bear in that spa robe. Although, I imagine I look like a big polar bear without the robe, too :afraid4:. Today my home is finally back in order, I have new eyes and new computer and these elements give me a great deal of less-stress. So I’m lying low and enjoying the sunshine and chirping birds!

I’m committed to a diet and fitness regime

Starting next week; like tomorrow next week…  But, today I’m enjoying (and will be enjoying) the small tidbits of left-overs from last night. Those being a few small bites of cornbread, enough brie to go with a short glass of wine later. Just small does of bad things. I figure the more crap I eat today to more motivated for tomorrow. Not the best thing or attitude to have, but …. tomorrow is about 10-hours away and what’s the harm at this point? (bad, girl, bad!) That said…

Weight and fitness

I am appalled at my size, the deterioration of me since I began training in February 2013, and the embarrassment (humility) of it all. I don’t care what people think about how I look (personal growth on my part) because I know what they think. I think it too!

And I’ve had enough of it.

My larger friends who looked up to me during my transition last year are out doing amazing things. Riding bikes, going to push up challenges, participating in 5K’s – at least walking them. What I am doing? Nothing but thinking about all the things I should be doing. I plot and get energized (the night before) of all the things I’m going to do the next day no.matter.what. And the next day I find myself waking early and ready to hit the gym. But I go back to sleep. When I wake the second time, for some reason the plan has dissolved. So I have to wonder why it’s so upsetting that I look the way I look (and feel).

These friends are doing what I should be doing are causing me grief… LOL! I get a charge in me that says, “Oh no they won’t” get fit without me. … not because I am being shallow or have to be the winner in a contest to get thin and fit (a contest unbeknownst to those who are in that contest in my head), but because “I” was the role model and inspiration to these friends. Some didn’t say so right away, other told me always. Those that didn’t tell me up front right away are the ones to asked me, where are you’re at the gym posts? You’ve been such an inspiration and when I see those posts – I go!” .

So there I have it. Cause, fact, motivation and fear
The plan I laid out a few weeks ago will still stand. Once in the morning to the smaller 24-hour fitness gym in the mall. This gym is where I can do the weights and resistance work I need to do. Their cardio equipment is only treadmills and elliptical’s – no Incline trainers; my true workout love. But, they do have a rowing machine and I will embrace using it ‘there’ because the rowing machine at the Main Gym where I trained with Andre has 3-rowing machines, but they are front and center of the TRX where Andre does 80% of his training. I would be fully exposed :afraid4:. I’m not ready to see Andre right now (I would die and so would he) so – back to the plan… I’ll do the resistance training first thing in the morning at the small gym and in the evenings after 9:30 I’ll be at the primary 24-hour fitness gym (after Andre leaves) where I’ll do my incline training. AND, I bought an expensive terry cloth spa robe. The attraction for the robe is that I always wanted this and the other is taking a Jacuzzi at the gym after my workout, showering there and coming home in my robe – ready for bed.Yes, in California we do drive around in our bathrobes!

The only difference in this plan than the last time I posted it, is that ….

I’m going to actually DO it.

I forgive myself for the weight I gained. My mom was dying and that’s all I thought about. What I don’t forgive myself for is my behavior on this topic since she has passed. That excuse (legitimate reason) is 2.2-months old. Had I gotten back on the horse right away; which emotionally deemed impossible for me, I would be down about 15-lbs by now.  That’s the hard part!

 

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Getting back!

Finally! I hit the gym tonight at 9:00PM.

I’m feeling as though I am, or possibly experiencing some depression. I’ve never had depression (I don’t believe in it) but spending 80% of the day in bed (on the bed; to be clear) watching TV is not a good thing. At times in my life the staying on the bed watching TV is normal, but caring less or finding a reason go get up and off the bed, is not.

I knew my best medicine would be exercise… the hardest part is getting there. Today I purposely waited until the evening to go since I knew my mom was in good hands with her husband at the symphony. She’s in good hands with him at home as well but with them at the symphony I knew it was safe in assuming I wasn’t needed the house.

But, in the midst of my gloom-and-doom-fest this evening I got a text from her husband. He says that they are at dinner before the symphony and she’s having trouble finding the silverware on the table. “Knife, fork, etc.” Poor thing. I do hope she at least found the wine glass. I mean that in love (mom loves her wine with dinner).

My.heart.sank! I ate with them just two days ago and she knew of and found the silverware just fine and had no trouble eating at all. We have no surgery date yet and with this new status report… it might be useless unless it happens soon. Also with this news, the reality; is becoming a real-er reality.

Something in that message from him triggered me to get serious about getting to the gym. Strange? Why? Because an hour of distraction in a healthy way will make for a stronger me and it looks like I’m going to be needing a lot of workouts in the weeks and months to come. And because if I am having depression (I don’t think I do, I’m just not motivated to do much; and I think this is normal and understandable) news like this means that without exercise, I will only get worse and I need to stay strong!

Accomplished!

52-minutes of cardio; rowing, stair climbing and Incline Training. A little TRI of sorts — or a combo plate; you decide. I’ve improved so much on the stair climbing beast but in my mood and sense of self-esteem (being low on this day) I climbed next to a young woman who was banging it out at probably level 12 with no rest breaks. She was racing those stairs… And I felt so insignificant being on level 7 and was taking water breaks. I KNOW it was all in my imagination but she just gave me a vibe that read… you are a loser and you’re not taking this seriously. (well, she doesn’t know how hard it was to get there =D in the first place!)

So I did my 12-minutes on the climber (should have done 15) and then rowed for 17-minutes and 23-minutes on the incline trainer steadily on 21-incline at 4.5-MPH. And I had NO trouble with that. I could have done it all night. Funny what works for us and what we’re comfortable with. And, that’s exactly Andre’s point — and why he wants me on the stair climber — because it isn’t easy for me. Whatev, I did a bit of each that he wanted me to do and then the Incline Trainer where my comfort zone is.

The workout felt good, I was distracted and even at one point I was either so wrapped up in thought I didn’t notice how much time had passed, and other times I was complete in the fitness mind zone. So I got a break.

No plans for tomorrow; we don’t really make plans these days but I will head over to moms, anyway. But before that, I need to start making some calls. I can’t get a straight story out of her about whom she’s told or called. Her husband can’t give me a straight answer either and that said, getting any information out of either of them is a huge frustration and challenge. One sure thing is, nobody will be happy with me if she goes into surgery and/or dies and I never told anyone she was ill. :nono4:

So, I shall take things into my own hands. I never know if what I decide to do on her behalf is something she would want me to do or not, but the sad thing is — she won’t recognize or remember it anyway. :cry2:. Now this is not to say she isn’t coherent and looking healthy (at least I think so) – she’s just not sure of what she’s doing half the time.

ANYWAY Good for me for making that difficult step to get back to the gym; I’ve gone but in the past week and a half, only on Andre days :n:NOT GOOD.

Pushing the envelope!

Heinous crime!

This weekends eating, that is. There must be something about a stress fracture that puts on an appetite. What I really think the problem is, is change.

I’ve never enjoyed the workouts; just the results of the workouts. I did partially enjoy the incline climbing and the power walking and the anticipation of running again. Despite that I have more than 13-5K races, 1 4-miler and 1-8K on my race wall — yes, race numbers are framed and on my office wall.. Despite that my trainer forbade to me run at the gym for two reasons.

The first, because he felt that the (at the time unidentified) injury to my foot was due to change in weight and stamina. He says that sometimes when people has less weight and have been in training their gait and stance changes and that could have caused some trauma to the foot because of stance changes and such things. We both thought that is what the problem was at first and I was happy to think it would all clear up. Not irresponsibility on the part of my trainer  — he only knew what I told him about the pain and he never saw it swollen.

The only time that he’d seen the foot nekid is when I’d take the shoe off for the weigh-in (no, no socks and this drives him insane)! The welling always went down while in the sneaker so he never saw it swollen and between you and me, that made me think he thought I was making it all up.

I continued to do the jumping he asked me to do and on one occasion that jumping over the line thing finally did the foot in. More swelling, more pain and so much so that I had to give up the treadmill. I told my trainer — NO more jumping! He asked why; like nothing had happened and I told him. Finally he paid attention to me and canceled my appointments until I saw a doctor. But again, he can only know what I tell him.

But anyway and sorry I got off track… My trainer forbade me to run because he felt something was going on with my foot back in February and the second reason is that he wanted to teach me to run. I sure looked forward to that! He wanted to get my posture in tack… and we’re still working on that one… he wanted to get my strides right and so on. Now, with the foot injury and my foot being in the pretty black shoe cast, all I can do is ride the recumbent bike for an hour and that my friends, is not that challenging. Doctor’s orders: No tension or high speeds. Just a nice leisurely magazine reading kind of speed. And that’s been bumming me out.

Somewhere in this mix; the workout boredom perhaps comes this appetite and the beginnings of old behavior!!! I’ve eaten things that are borderline legal on my Trainer’s food list and eating too many portions of the things that are borderline on my trainers list.  PUSHING THE ENVELOPE.

I pushed it yesterday too and while I tried to “be good” today… right now I have the very last of something I should not eat in the oven. I wasn’t going to but… like the old attitude: Just this once, or just this one time and then that will be it!

And I will eat the forbidden food tonight! I hope to enjoy it and feel so guilty about it that I lose sleep over it! I mean that!

Purchased round 2

I have 4-sessions left on my first training ticket and I managed to find the money; the right credit card to make a purchase for a 2nd round — another 25-weeks; two days a week training for the next 3-months. This is no time; or maybe no better time to sin and repent! We are; my trainer and me 1/2 way to my goal weight. 38-lbs gone and about 35-lbs to go. Halfway through this I am cheating. This must stop.

And it will. It really will. It’s easier to eat right at work because there is a distraction — called work itself and I cannot eat what I don’t take with me — so there lies the answer! And besides — after I eat what I eat tonight, there will be none of it left and nothing bad left to eat.

I almost think this is an expected hiccup in this phase of it all. And it will pass.

Now that I am through yelling at myself

No great things happening in life, but no bad things either. I am so much smaller so that makes all in the world right!  I’m still in my contract job and they have asked for me for yet another week. But they have told me it’s unfair to keep telling every Thursday if I’m staying on or not (agreed — even though I appreciate the money, they’ve kept me 6-weeks longer than planned) so that I can get busy on finding a real job. Unfortunately this is not a company that can afford to hire me at this time. However, they want me back in 2-weeks for 2-more weeks to cover someones vacation. If available, I’ll do it but I hope to be unavailable.

The work situation is bitter-sweet in terms of leaving. I’ve been there long enough to blend in with this dual family owned business and it feels like home away from home. The pay was quite well considering the duties of the job, the easy commute and the early hours of 7:30 to 4:00. They will miss me and my purpose there. Maybe if I do go back for those 2-weeks they’ll realize the need to keep me. Or maybe I’ll find a better job. Who knows?

The dove on my window sill is still nesting. Mom and Dad do take turns with the sitting on it (the egg) task and today was day 15 since the egg was laid. Theoretically that egg should be cracking open any minute. I wish it would hurry up and happen! I’ve been home most of all weekend and available to watch this miracle. My guess is that it will hatch when I am not home.

However, looking at this egg — photo taken this morning while mom and pop went off to do something else.. it looks like the shell is being pecked at from the inside. But, no chick yet.

egg

The weekend

Highly productive and highly extremely relaxing!

Saturday:

Training with my trainer and the usual shop fest afterwards. Generally I tend to want to go straight home from training, about 8:00 a.m. to crawl back into bed where I wanted to be in the first place. But generally I tend to stop at the grocery store or Walmart to get some tasks done. This particular morning I needed milk from the grocery store and a few returns at Walmart that landed me carousing the store.

Then, suddenly with some energy, at home I began the outside yard work — good to be outside, it was warm and it just felt good to be out there before the neighbor kids headed out to their back yard and make all kinds of annoying kids noises.

A nice nap — I just plain fell asleep watching a little TV.

Nothing exciting for a Saturday night and I went to bed earlier than usual.

Sunday:

Slept in until 6:00 and then until 8:30. Good enough!

Breakfast in bed, more yard work, food prep for next week; I grilled chicken and cut it up

Watched some TV

Backed up my iPhone.

Updated my iPhone.

Simple weekend! I love it!

On Monday..

I really DO want to get to the gym directly after work. I can be there by 4:30 and it’s not going to be too crowded to change. I want my trainer to see me there — when I go in at 8:30 or 8:00 he’s usually gone by then. Hopefully he’ll teach me to use the rowing machine. He says I’ll get a better calorie burn from it than the bike and as part of this battle on my upper body — he wants me on this! Yes, it stress fracture healing friendly!