Getting back!

Finally! I hit the gym tonight at 9:00PM.

I’m feeling as though I am, or possibly experiencing some depression. I’ve never had depression (I don’t believe in it) but spending 80% of the day in bed (on the bed; to be clear) watching TV is not a good thing. At times in my life the staying on the bed watching TV is normal, but caring less or finding a reason go get up and off the bed, is not.

I knew my best medicine would be exercise… the hardest part is getting there. Today I purposely waited until the evening to go since I knew my mom was in good hands with her husband at the symphony. She’s in good hands with him at home as well but with them at the symphony I knew it was safe in assuming I wasn’t needed the house.

But, in the midst of my gloom-and-doom-fest this evening I got a text from her husband. He says that they are at dinner before the symphony and she’s having trouble finding the silverware on the table. “Knife, fork, etc.” Poor thing. I do hope she at least found the wine glass. I mean that in love (mom loves her wine with dinner).

My.heart.sank! I ate with them just two days ago and she knew of and found the silverware just fine and had no trouble eating at all. We have no surgery date yet and with this new status report… it might be useless unless it happens soon. Also with this news, the reality; is becoming a real-er reality.

Something in that message from him triggered me to get serious about getting to the gym. Strange? Why? Because an hour of distraction in a healthy way will make for a stronger me and it looks like I’m going to be needing a lot of workouts in the weeks and months to come. And because if I am having depression (I don’t think I do, I’m just not motivated to do much; and I think this is normal and understandable) news like this means that without exercise, I will only get worse and I need to stay strong!

Accomplished!

52-minutes of cardio; rowing, stair climbing and Incline Training. A little TRI of sorts — or a combo plate; you decide. I’ve improved so much on the stair climbing beast but in my mood and sense of self-esteem (being low on this day) I climbed next to a young woman who was banging it out at probably level 12 with no rest breaks. She was racing those stairs… And I felt so insignificant being on level 7 and was taking water breaks. I KNOW it was all in my imagination but she just gave me a vibe that read… you are a loser and you’re not taking this seriously. (well, she doesn’t know how hard it was to get there =D in the first place!)

So I did my 12-minutes on the climber (should have done 15) and then rowed for 17-minutes and 23-minutes on the incline trainer steadily on 21-incline at 4.5-MPH. And I had NO trouble with that. I could have done it all night. Funny what works for us and what we’re comfortable with. And, that’s exactly Andre’s point — and why he wants me on the stair climber — because it isn’t easy for me. Whatev, I did a bit of each that he wanted me to do and then the Incline Trainer where my comfort zone is.

The workout felt good, I was distracted and even at one point I was either so wrapped up in thought I didn’t notice how much time had passed, and other times I was complete in the fitness mind zone. So I got a break.

No plans for tomorrow; we don’t really make plans these days but I will head over to moms, anyway. But before that, I need to start making some calls. I can’t get a straight story out of her about whom she’s told or called. Her husband can’t give me a straight answer either and that said, getting any information out of either of them is a huge frustration and challenge. One sure thing is, nobody will be happy with me if she goes into surgery and/or dies and I never told anyone she was ill. :nono4:

So, I shall take things into my own hands. I never know if what I decide to do on her behalf is something she would want me to do or not, but the sad thing is — she won’t recognize or remember it anyway. :cry2:. Now this is not to say she isn’t coherent and looking healthy (at least I think so) – she’s just not sure of what she’s doing half the time.

ANYWAY Good for me for making that difficult step to get back to the gym; I’ve gone but in the past week and a half, only on Andre days :n:NOT GOOD.

Advertisements

I still couldn’t remember my password!

My goodness, what a ride this year — and it ain’t even over yet!

I’ve written!…. but never got them posted. So, here’s what’s happening and I hope to be a better blogger — I need the outlet. Read on and find out why.

I am still with my beloved personal trainer since February 2nd, but that ride stops on November 7th. I lost 52-lbs in 9-months. Yeah, that pretty remarkable but….. at the end of June I wrote the same thing: “I have lost 52-lbs’. Clearly the process slowed down since coming to a seemingly a screeching halt since July. BUT, the better news is that I have not gained any weight in epic or small proportions in all this time. I have gained miniscule amounts which were quickly addressed!  I am holding steady at 50-lbs.

Much has happened in the past few months and none of my news is positive. My professional agent has kept me in steady work since mid January and up until this past week. The contracts I have been in have been wonderful jobs but not jobs I took with any hope of being hired on full-time as part of the company. Unfortunately, and quite simply, the nature of the tasks I was hired to do have not been geared for full-time direct-hire within the company, period.The fact that I was not hired on, or one of those 1 in 5 contract workers will get hired on (a myth) with the company can be frowned upon by future potential employers, but what can I do; it’s been what is was I for the work I’ve done this year, I have been HIGHLY rated.

As well, One contract I was in let me go after holding onto me as long as they could (from 1-week to 4-months) but had to surrender me for lack of funding for the business need — of me. My agency quickly placed me in another great position and just learned that the company which gave me up — had asked for me back!

So the temping work has not been all for not and I loved the jobs I was in. Now for the bad news; the last job I exited was on September 27th and people — this is NOT the time of year to expect placement in a temp job or to get hired. 4th quarter is, THE WORST. I do think my agent will call for one little or large job or another; it’s just the waiting game.

Now for the worstest news. My mother had been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. This came as a devastating shock and the worse news than we ever expected when she went in for a brain scan to see if she was having onset Alzheimer’s. I can assure you that the news of Altz would have been far more welcoming that this news! She is 87-years old and at the early stages of Altz we may not have ever seen a full-blown case of it with her. This worse news brings with it a very shortened life span, in terms of months, a month or days.

My head is the clouds of denial over this (always lately). She will have a brain surgery next week — we hope a scheduled appt waits and we have no specific date as of today. I won’t even talk about what could happen in surgery but we are hopeful that it will be successful and she will stay with us to live a normal life span. Mom does suffer from memory issues and getting full sentences out. It’s a tough thing to watch, a tough thing to think about and a tough thing to ‘wait for’ for sure. What does ‘wait’ mean? Wait for the appt, wait for results, wait for recovery or wait for inevitable. Just sit and wait.

How am I doing? I am numb and in denial. I spend extended amounts of time with her; whom you would never know was sick and when I have my alone time — I stay alone. I don’t particularly care about a job at this moment and if I did have one; how well would that go? I’d take off for the surgery date; and that generally that scenario might be tolerated in a real job, but would not work in a temp job, and I’d stay off work as long as it took to be sure mom is in good hands. On the other hand, I could accept a job, stay in it as long as I could and quit if I have to — burning every last bridge that I have crossed.

My fitness plan has gone down the toilet My fitness plan is in jeopardy but I won’t put up with gain…. But it is all I can do to tear myself away from doing nothing to get to the gym; and even then, only on the reaming days that I have left to train — I will not be renewing a 4th time.

Must, must, must get back on the rails! Just before all the drama began this year, I learned by experience and through my personal trainer that rowing is an amazing cardio workout that does display quick results. My trainer likes to see me on the Stair Master climber — something I hate but it too will show results right away. My trainer wants me to use the Stair Master climber for 15-minutes per day and then the Precor Elliptical ATM hate that even more, for 15-minutes and/or the rowing machine That’s all he asks of me.

Do you think I can do that in my state? YES! I realized that honestly; I can’t give up everything just to sit there and watch mom… you know. Until she gets her surgery or has an ‘episode’ as a result of the tumors, we are all ‘on closely guarded watch’ but on the other hand, I do need to take care of myself — at least for 1-hour day, right?

Well, I guess I should get something done today. :eyesrolling:

~tootles…