My life is whole again!
New Goggles! My vision has depended on ‘readers’ and at a recent point in my life (last week) I realized that I was more than likely being defined by my looks, a caricature if you will of that woman who always has glasses on top of her head! And, her hair mussed up as a result. Whenever I went out and caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror or reflection I was horrified that I allowed myself to look like that. And after the 3rd time this week carrying driving directions to unknown places and not being able to read them… I said, “No more”!
New Window to the world! Life without a real computer; a full on laptop and a life with 100+ pair of readers is not an effective or productive life. My old laptop was in computer ICU and finally became unusable; despite my efforts. My iPhone is wonderful and my iPad is wonderful because it is a bigger than my iPhone and easier to play Bejeweled Blitz and get a better score — that’s about the greater benefit of the iPad. And besides, sometimes we need the BIG picture and the tool to sit getting down and dirty with the work that needs a full on computer. I didn’t need anything showy, just something to use. Therefore this DELL, the only one of 5-computers on the shelf at Sears. Yes Sears I wanted to charge it – not pay for it! Sears had 5 Dell Laptops; 4-without touchscreen, 3-with touchscreen. Now Sears has 2-with touchscreen.
Touch screen = iPad on my Laptop. Very happy camper here.
What does all this above mean? It means that I can see and blog more! And job hunt.
I had this amazing thought; about food and life probably and I decided to “go write that down”… got my amazing new laptop and brought it downstairs to record all amazing “go write that down” thoughts, and forgot what it was.Well anyway… It will probably surface as I ramble along…
Anyway – The week in review…
Thursday night – I went to the first planning meeting with the other members of the charity we are building. Nice people, nice place in La Jolla for wine and appetizers. I had wine and calamari and parked Valet. Total ticket, $20. Nice!
Friday night – I was supposed to go to the movies with a friend but canceled telling her that I was just too far in the weeds with getting the home cleaned up – this includes all the boxes of letters and photos scattered in the front ‘foyer’. I was also tired and I know this tiredness comes from lack of exercise and excitement – the kind of energy that comes with exercise. (Boxes of letters are up to 100+years old from my mother’s family – more on this in another post)
Saturday night – I had family members over for dinner. I grilled Mahi Mahi, grilled corn and grilled asparagus. Ice cream with chocolate chip cookies crumbled on top. Chocolate chip cookies that I made — that I baked, that is!
I’m committed to a diet and fitness regime
Starting next week; like tomorrow next week… But, today I’m enjoying (and will be enjoying) the small tidbits of left-overs from last night. Those being a few small bites of cornbread, enough brie to go with a short glass of wine later. Just small does of bad things. I figure the more crap I eat today to more motivated for tomorrow. Not the best thing or attitude to have, but …. tomorrow is about 10-hours away and what’s the harm at this point? (bad, girl, bad!) That said…
Weight and fitness
I am appalled at my size, the deterioration of me since I began training in February 2013, and the embarrassment (humility) of it all. I don’t care what people think about how I look (personal growth on my part) because I know what they think. I think it too!
And I’ve had enough of it.
My larger friends who looked up to me during my transition last year are out doing amazing things. Riding bikes, going to push up challenges, participating in 5K’s – at least walking them. What I am doing? Nothing but thinking about all the things I should be doing. I plot and get energized (the night before) of all the things I’m going to do the next day no.matter.what. And the next day I find myself waking early and ready to hit the gym. But I go back to sleep. When I wake the second time, for some reason the plan has dissolved. So I have to wonder why it’s so upsetting that I look the way I look (and feel).
These friends are doing what I should be doing are causing me grief… LOL! I get a charge in me that says, “Oh no they won’t” get fit without me. … not because I am being shallow or have to be the winner in a contest to get thin and fit (a contest unbeknownst to those who are in that contest in my head), but because “I” was the role model and inspiration to these friends. Some didn’t say so right away, other told me always. Those that didn’t tell me up front right away are the ones to asked me, where are you’re at the gym posts? You’ve been such an inspiration and when I see those posts – I go!” .
So there I have it. Cause, fact, motivation and fear
The plan I laid out a few weeks ago will still stand. Once in the morning to the smaller 24-hour fitness gym in the mall. This gym is where I can do the weights and resistance work I need to do. Their cardio equipment is only treadmills and elliptical’s – no Incline trainers; my true workout love. But, they do have a rowing machine and I will embrace using it ‘there’ because the rowing machine at the Main Gym where I trained with Andre has 3-rowing machines, but they are front and center of the TRX where Andre does 80% of his training. I would be fully exposed . I’m not ready to see Andre right now (I would die and so would he) so – back to the plan… I’ll do the resistance training first thing in the morning at the small gym and in the evenings after 9:30 I’ll be at the primary 24-hour fitness gym (after Andre leaves) where I’ll do my incline training. AND, I bought an expensive terry cloth spa robe. The attraction for the robe is that I always wanted this and the other is taking a Jacuzzi at the gym after my workout, showering there and coming home in my robe – ready for bed.Yes, in California we do drive around in our bathrobes!
The only difference in this plan than the last time I posted it, is that ….
I’m going to actually DO it.
I forgive myself for the weight I gained. My mom was dying and that’s all I thought about. What I don’t forgive myself for is my behavior on this topic since she has passed. That excuse (legitimate reason) is 2.2-months old. Had I gotten back on the horse right away; which emotionally deemed impossible for me, I would be down about 15-lbs by now. That’s the hard part!